AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
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Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.