AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
tis the season
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.