AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
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It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar