@kibblesmith: Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
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@omgthatspunny: Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small
@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
@2tickytacky: Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
@DamienFahey: If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik's cube.