Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
mariah carrie
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book