I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
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I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let鈥檚 do it together.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I used to be married, but I鈥檓 better now
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
friend: What鈥檚 one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I don鈥檛 wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won鈥檛 let it go until I give her a bully stick. It鈥檚 extortion!
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple