Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
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i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
A double negative is a big no-no.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
(by @ZachWeiner )
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese