amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
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My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Banking tips
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.