Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
You Might Also Like
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.