Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor