Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
What’s this sorcery? 😂
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.