AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
You Might Also Like
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Never forget.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”