WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
You Might Also Like
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta