Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
You Might Also Like
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Beware of fowl play.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler