@ashmensch: Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary's garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby's parking lot?
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@Home_Halfway: WIFE: I love you NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it's just emotional comfort after years of being toget- WIFE: *packing* I'll be at my mothers
@SaraMansford: Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers: They don't want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.
@Sassafrantz: Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.