the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
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I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend