Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
this country is so goddamn polarized
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed