[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
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Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Why are bridges so flammable.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.