@Brentweets: America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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@ClichedOut: me: meet my invisible gf friend: u don't have to settle for that me: ok but she's-- friend: i was talking to her
@ashleyaustrew: I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner? Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you. 4: Mom’s not home. Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
@Bez: I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.