@williamwanton: *fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

@BeardSpice: My signature move is signing a piece of paper.

@badbanana: There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet.

@Reverend_Scott: Ways to tell a woman's mad at you: 1. She's silent. 2. She's yelling. 3. She acts the same. 4. She acts different. 5. She murdered you.

@Love_bug1016: When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it's Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.