America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
CRYING
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
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Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*