@ClichedOut: me: meet my invisible gf friend: u don't have to settle for that me: ok but she's-- friend: i was talking to her

@ashleyaustrew: I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.

@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner? Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you. 4: Mom’s not home. Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

@Bez: I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.

@theshamingofjay: Life Goals Me at 14 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex Me at 34 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex