@jordan_stratton: Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you've used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

@slaughthie: "Oh hey there, didn't recognize you with your cap on," I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

@jwoodham: DATING TIP: Don't reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

@o__0Dev: Wine doesn't have many vitamins. That's why you have to drink a lot of it.

@superdadatron: *Opens fridge *Sees chocolate bar with a note "please don't eat me". *Eats chocolate bar Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?