@JoParkerBear: America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
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@BruceForce: Trying to convince my wife that the white powder on my nose is cocaine to hide the fact I've eaten a large sugary donut
@KentWGraham: Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
@Brampersandon_: THE WEEKND: I can't feel my face when I'm with you DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that's kinda the point dude
@Manda_like_wine: My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, "I don't want Santa to see me when I poo."