America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
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As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
i like to flex on them by shrugging
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
this will hang in the louvre one day
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.