America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
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*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
When I laugh on my period
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first