My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
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Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
i wish we could shoplift online
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*