America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads