America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
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My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I need a headline like this
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now