@Laser_Cat: America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.
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@The_Grant_Boldt: "Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?" "Okay" *Mom returns with Morgan Freeman* "I love you mom"
@deegeemindi: If a recipe does not call for cheese, I'm gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
@Brianhopecomedy: Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
@valerie_tosi: The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said "It's cute that you think I'm here for that."