America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
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[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
A fake ID that makes you younger
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.