america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
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nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
hackers play passwordle
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.