america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
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me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Not all heroes wear capes.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*