@TheMichaelRock: America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
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@trojansauce: GOLDFISH: i swear i'll have your money by tomorrow GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money? GOLDFISH: who are you? GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where's my mon
@OhNoSheTwitnt: If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It's basically Twitter.
@edgarrants: My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
@pizzajaynow: Me: "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn't go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."