I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
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Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
The news
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Storm Tropical Storm
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*