Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
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[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
He wanted to make sure😂
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what