[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
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I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?