American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
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*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental