American Horror Story: Public Restroom
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ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Auto correct is my worst enema.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
The news in a nutshell.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*