What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again