American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
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If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Same pineapple, same
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I laughed at this way too hard.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.