My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
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*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I saw this ending much differently.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana