@pattymo: AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series
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@KenJennings: TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER 7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection. Me: How many do you have? 7yo: Zero. Me: ZERO? 7yo: I said it was empty.
@pattonoswalt: Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you're Iron Man. What could it hurt?
@13spencer: A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don't worry; I yelled "I'm taken," and ran into the men's bathroom where she can't follow.
@JediGigi: OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE