Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
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There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Jurassic park gets weird
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.