My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?