If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
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My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299