Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
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The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks