Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
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When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
THIS HEADLINE
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.