Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
#milo
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher