There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
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I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit