Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
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Meowchelangelo
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy