Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
This is me 🤣🤣
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.