how was your vacation
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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
the three branches of government
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*