The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
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Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..