Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
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I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
This is a true ally.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.