British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.