Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
a public service announcement
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
When can I start eating bats again.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse