Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
marvel comics have peaked
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.