Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
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Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Shower sex be like:
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.